| When I meditate, I drift into a sea of sublime | | | | chiropodist..." |
| thoughts: "Bliss... Peace... Joy... Armadillos... Peace... | | | | And on it goes. The mind, of course, moves |
| Serenity..." | | | | considerably faster than the average 100-metre |
| Hang on, wait a second... | | | | Olympic gold-medallist, so many more thoughts fill |
| Armadillos? | | | | my head through this so-called "meditation". After |
| It's an easy trap to fall into, of course. When you | | | | half an hour of (ahem) meditation, I'm thinking |
| try to explain meditation as a state in which you | | | | about last week's cliffhanger on 24 or the history |
| need to shut down your mind, there is always | | | | of brick-veneer upholstery in China or something |
| bound to be one smart aleck who says "That | | | | equally relevant. |
| sounds easy enough!" Proving that they have | | | | So the question is: how can I avoid this |
| never tried it. Do you know how difficult it is to | | | | happening? The answer: I have no idea! No, really |
| just, like, stop thinking? About anything? Even for | | | | - that's the answer! No idea. No flash of inspiration. |
| three or four seconds? | | | | No nothing, for just half an hour at a time. The |
| Actually, a stray thought about armoured South | | | | mind doesn't like being shut off. It's like an |
| American rodents, in between feelings of bliss and | | | | Energiser bunny that just keeps going and going, |
| serenity, is a fairly optimistic scenario. More | | | | but rather than a single drum, it has an electric |
| typically, when I sit down to meditate, it usually | | | | drum kit turned up to full volume, and your |
| goes something like: | | | | thoughts are like a lengthy Keith Moon drum solo |
| "Bliss... Peace... Doves... Pigeons... Pigeons on | | | | that you just can't escape because you're in the |
| statues... That famous statue of the Dog on the | | | | middle of a crowd at a Who concert, circa 1966... |
| Tucker Box just outside Gundagai that we visited | | | | OK, so that metaphor might have lost its |
| on the way to Melbourne recently... Serenity... You | | | | momentum a few lines ago. Sorry about that. |
| know, I've never actually known why they would | | | | Of course, one way is to listen to visualisation |
| choose to put a statue of dog out there. What a | | | | exercises. They don't stop the mind, but they |
| strange thing. Then again, I guess there are more | | | | give it something to do. This one should be a |
| ridiculous things that can be turned into statues. | | | | good start: |
| Armadillos, for example. And of course there's | | | | "Close your eyes and chant "Aum" three times. |
| that big, oversized pineapple in Queensland, which | | | | "When you have finished doing that, find |
| the tourists love. Actually, when I think of | | | | someone's shiny new car and smash it to pieces |
| Queensland I usually think of my pet frog that | | | | with a pick-axe. Then wait around. When the |
| used to sit on my shoulder when I was a boy. | | | | person comes back to their car, say "It was me, |
| Sadly, that frog was eventually run over by a | | | | but the King of the Goblins made me do it." If |
| truck, which was a terrible incident, because it | | | | they are bigger than you, challenge them to a |
| was on my shoulder at the time. When I look | | | | fight." |
| back at those days, I can't help thinking of that | | | | If you can do this exercise, you will find that you |
| TV show I used to watch with my sister about | | | | have transcended your mind. Well done! |
| the big gorilla who is hypnotised to think he's a | | | | |